don't make no difference

I’ve been sober for so long now. There’s nothing to numb life with.
The thoughts are so clear and sharp that they burst through all the walls I try to construct.

And I’m so tired. And I’m waiting.
The biggest push.
And I’m trying to understand your choices.
Of what is making you give up before there even is a choice to give up on...

Why do we give up. Without even trying.
I never understood that sort of fear.

That limits you. Us.

i am yours now

Self-pity is a powerful negative tool.
That works through a devil clad in purgatory red,
horns and despising smile. That sits on your shoulder and
whispers sad bullshit in your ear.

And you listen.
I need to stop this.

oh my god, you are so cool!

Now, what would I do without you?!
Now, what would I honestly do without you???

the center holds, so they say

April 2003

You unzipped and showed me your underwear. I found it rather odd. Does that mean you want to be buddies? Does that mean you trust me with such personal details, like you would your boyfriend? Or does that mean I'm just a little bit closer to, maybe, getting laid? Yeah - as if!

You unzipped and I could almost see your pubes. You said, "Too much!", and zipped up, leaving just an inch showing. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what you wanted me to be.

You didn't want to be kissed, you didn't want to be held. Instead we hugged a tree together. You were wearing your Oriflame sunglasses with funny, scratched lenses that make you even blinder than you already are...

lutheran guilt

I’m motivated by nothing but guilt. If you know anything about me...,I am just a towering mass of Lutheran, Mid-Western guilt.

Dave Letterman

letting the cables sleep

I opened the window and breathed in the fresh air of mid fall. Decaying leaves. Not there yet. The rain still sounds like precious summer. At one point it changes. Soon.
I looked at the little rivers that had formed and were running underneath the cars, carrying little floating yellow leaves.

I had consumed half a bottle of wine. I had been on the phone with you for two hours and. There was no breakthrough. After 6 years. I am on the phone with you and I feel, as if... No. I feel nothing. You don’t let me feel anything. You are in an other world. As if I never knew you.
I don’t even think that you like me these days. For we are different. Or you are different. I, for most part think, have not changed.
You are still in me, a part of me. ME.
And yet you construct your little glass walls, which are not to be seen, only to be felt. Down the cable lines our voices drift and you tell me time and time again, that you've got to go.
Go.
It’s sad. To lose. Spark.
I think you’ve lost yours.

going to pieces without falling apart

Got to love that blissful ignorance you have before meeting someone that is going to change your life. Not knowing the significance of things to come. Yet. That is good. Some relationships ought to stay frozen in that moment. They should...

summer skin

I’m so incredibly rural. Heavy farm equipment on the roads and hay bales scattered about the field give the feeling of reassurance. Strange and solid safety. What did I expect? This is what I know.