oh my god, you are so cool!

Now, what would I do without you?!
Now, what would I honestly do without you???

the center holds, so they say

April 2003

You unzipped and showed me your underwear. I found it rather odd. Does that mean you want to be buddies? Does that mean you trust me with such personal details, like you would your boyfriend? Or does that mean I'm just a little bit closer to, maybe, getting laid? Yeah - as if!

You unzipped and I could almost see your pubes. You said, "Too much!", and zipped up, leaving just an inch showing. I didn't know what to say. I didn't know what you wanted me to be.

You didn't want to be kissed, you didn't want to be held. Instead we hugged a tree together. You were wearing your Oriflame sunglasses with funny, scratched lenses that make you even blinder than you already are...

lutheran guilt

I’m motivated by nothing but guilt. If you know anything about me...,I am just a towering mass of Lutheran, Mid-Western guilt.

Dave Letterman

letting the cables sleep

I opened the window and breathed in the fresh air of mid fall. Decaying leaves. Not there yet. The rain still sounds like precious summer. At one point it changes. Soon.
I looked at the little rivers that had formed and were running underneath the cars, carrying little floating yellow leaves.

I had consumed half a bottle of wine. I had been on the phone with you for two hours and. There was no breakthrough. After 6 years. I am on the phone with you and I feel, as if... No. I feel nothing. You don’t let me feel anything. You are in an other world. As if I never knew you.
I don’t even think that you like me these days. For we are different. Or you are different. I, for most part think, have not changed.
You are still in me, a part of me. ME.
And yet you construct your little glass walls, which are not to be seen, only to be felt. Down the cable lines our voices drift and you tell me time and time again, that you've got to go.
Go.
It’s sad. To lose. Spark.
I think you’ve lost yours.

going to pieces without falling apart

Got to love that blissful ignorance you have before meeting someone that is going to change your life. Not knowing the significance of things to come. Yet. That is good. Some relationships ought to stay frozen in that moment. They should...

summer skin

I’m so incredibly rural. Heavy farm equipment on the roads and hay bales scattered about the field give the feeling of reassurance. Strange and solid safety. What did I expect? This is what I know.

indian summer

I took a walk around the block. And then I walked to the pub. The local pub. And I had a beer. It felt like spring. And it smelled like spring. Even the sun shone like spring.

There’s another fork in the road, and it seems they always seem to come in September.
The trees are still swaying green but I can’t really hear the birds anymore.

Today was all about make or break. And guess what, I might have actually made it. This time.
Tomorrow I’ll be facing an adventure. Another adventure.

mr. berlioz

Ever since I've moved to live on the other side of the tram tracks, paranoia has been seeping in - what if I get run over, what if my head gets cut off, like Mr. Berlioz'...?

hunter (gatherer?)

After careful consideration and facing the facts I can testify that the whole essence of my being can pretty much be summed up by the following:

I (can) fuck your brains out - and that, not in a good way...

st.petersburg

I waited four years and you delivered. Your own way, a different way.

I took you in and held you. I slept. And slept and slept. In a room with shabby windows, where the frames, for the most part, performed as windows purely on their own free will.

And then there were makeshift windows that dotted the outer walls. People had craved and carved for light. There were doors that used to be back entrances, now front entrances. Courtyards beyond courtyards that can take you from one end of the block right through to the other. Beyond and beyond. Endlessly, it seemed.

The wind swept and the skies were iron-colored and heavy. It was cold and dark, but somehow it felt warm underneath. There were churches. People inside, coming and going. They all knew the routine - which crucifixes to kiss, which altars to bow at, which candle-stand for the living and which ones for the dead. Sacred water in the corner. Just drink.

I did.

commission.crimes.brussels.spring

It had been raining 24 hours straight, I was walking up the street and felt sorry for my shoes.

The wind made the rain fall vertical so that the drops were splashing on my eyeballs, blurring my vision. I blinked, my eyelids forming human windshield wipers.

There was a tiny black bird on the railing singing it’s little heart out in the jam of 5pm traffic.
Rue de la Loi.

The spring was pouring in.

impossible is nothing

Impossible is nothing.

We start out like that. That impossible is nothing. You get sent to kindergarden and then you get sent to school and the uni, and you simply know that impossible is nothing.

And then life kicks in, and sometimes you know that not all is possible. That there are disappointments and broken hearts and that your net salary is nowhere near of what you had in mind...

Not all is lost on life’s petty details- not all if you still find it in you to know that at times impossible is nothing. No really!!!

you know what?

You know what? ... Whatever!...

liirum-laarum

The thing is that... if you go for lunch and agree on just one beer and give in to persuasions of an another one you'll simply end up drunk at work at 3pm...

typical situation

It had been a typical day of grand thoughts and insecure thoughts, dreams and decisions.

I’d been very very late for work. I’d been worried about kitchen design and worried about the choice of tiles for the bathroom. And of keeping things together.

I’d been multitasking by making it to the pub, collecting a Xmas present from one end of town to watching a neurotic Woody Allen movie with you on your über and beyond entertainment system in the other end of town.

It’d been cold. As I left, you headed for the park. I measured the distance – 5 minutes.

At 11:30 pm I sat in the car at a car wash watching water turn into ice on my windshield. 7 minutes fit a phone call and a more than slightly worrisome thought of Hillary Clinton failing Iowa...

It's a typical situation
In these typical times
Too many choices, yeah
It’s a typical situation
In these typical times
Too many choices.
(Dave Matthews Band)

rites of passage

We’re the kind that come together on a graveyard. From different corners of the country like little magnets we get pulled - to congregate and stand by the grave-side of the ones that do the pulling. Those that had been and are now gone. Those that define, and those that went so long ago that there’s no-one left to remember. Someone in their time that had to leave in their time. On my family plot - I bring flowers and I bring candles and I walk across and on top and all over their graves and... do they even know..., much less about me?

We discuss funeral arrangements, and who wants to be and rest where and how we want to be disposed of. It’s morbid, so we joke to make it easier.

And then we take a drive back and we feel whole. We get take-out coffee that so appropriately comes in Xmas-red cups, and probably feel the closest we’ve felt in a long while. With my sister at the wheel and no longer my dad. Mom fussing with snacks and soft drinks. We rise questions and make family council decisions. A rites of passage for the best family in the world.

- I love you -

builders union

How do you construct a person. How to build character. Where would you start. Which layers would get laid first. What is the foundation. Is it a pyramid. Or is it a block of flats? Or a semi-detached? What abilities should tower?

What makes it solid. Is it a brick of belief, or brick of trust or the brick of endless love.

What if one day, after years of careful(?) labor you sit back and realize that nothing is the way it should be. That the foundation is the ceiling, and the ceiling is the wall. The floors are tilted. The electricity of hope and desire and joy gone haywire - power's out.

What do you do. Where do you start the reconstruction of putting things back together? How do you help. What goes first.
What to do with the fucking carpet that keeps sliding off the floor...?

suspended in-between a wurlitzer and a rhodes

I finally admit defeat. Allright. Allright. I emptied out my car and lifted out my skates. I'd so hoped that I'd still have another go.
Winter you bitch!

Items fished out my boot:

Empty plastic bags - 10
Plastic bags full of weird stuff/junk - 5
Bag full of CDs - 1
Empty windshield washer fluid containers 5L - 2
Full windshield washer fluid container 5L - 1
Sleeping bag - 1
Shoes - 4 pairs
Cycling shoes - 1 pair
Slippers - 1 pair
Rollerblades - 1 pair
Helmet - 1
Sports vest - 1
Sports gloves - 1 pair
Band-aid (duct)tape for taping feet for roller blading - 4 rolls (2 wide, 2 narrow)
Screwdriver - 1 normal, 2 for skates
Dirty sports socks - 2 pairs
Strap-on water bottle - 1
Big empty carton box - 1
Backpack - 1
Empty Coke and water bottles - 20
Old Newsweek/Time magazines - 10

... something else, I'm sure I forgot.

fishing in the rivers of light

I think new heights have been reached if one can write memos of meetings that one has not attended. Particular horizons were broadened at work today - collectively.

we were

See, I'm stuck. The kind of stuck that it really doesn't matter whether I turn left or I turn right, I'm stuck, was stuck and will be beyond stuck - no matter what. Forgive me.


"Мы разбегаемся по делам
Земля разбивается по полам
Сотри меня, смотри в меня
Останься
Прости меня за слабость
И за то, что я так странно
и отчаянно люблю..."
(z)